It was a beautiful free-for-all. The government was just handing out money left and right. All you had to do was come up with something that sounded important and write up a report. They couldn’t give you the money fast enough.
And the best part about it was that it was all phenomenal money. We’re not talking nickel-and-dime nonsense. They were cutting checks for millions. A person would have to be an idiot if they asked for anything less.
All the complaining about welfare but these guys were making big bank off the government teat. When I heard about the proposal one researcher threw together, that’s when I got a bright idea for how I could apply for my debit card to the government ATM. He convinced the government to give him $3 million to write a report about how no one reads reports. You can’t make this stuff up!
So, I put together a proposal to write a report on the report about how no one reads reports. But because I was going to have to go through mounds of old research and then collect data of my own, I figured my work was at least worth $5 million. When it was approved in record time, I smacked myself in the head. I could have asked for more.
No big deal though. With $5 million coming my way, I started making plans where I could conduct my research. Do you know there’s a Ritz-Carlton in Colorado that costs over $6,000 a night? I knew that I was going to have to stay at least a week there to get the data that I needed. But most of my research was going to have to be done in Coastal locations like Malibu, Sarasota, Myrtle Beach, and Bar Harbor. It had a nice ring to it so I put it in the plans.
I took one look around and looked really hard. Upon first observation, not one person was reading a report. When I was eating lunch at the hotel restaurant, no one was reading anything other than the menu. When I laid out by the pool, I didn’t see much evidence of it there either. It’s true. People aren’t into reports. But I was going to need some more convincing.
I ordered room service for dinner that night and made plans for my next destination. I had a thought while I was getting a massage at a spa that I was taking advantage of a good situation. But all that went away when a nice fruity cocktail was handed to me while fingers were walking up and down my spine. In fact, I completely forgot what I was thinking about.
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After two years, I really wasn’t any closer to uncovering the truth. So, I filed for an extension and was granted it. They even asked me if I needed more money. Who’s going to turn down more money?
The next year was a huge blur. But one day, I woke up on the floor of my hotel room holding a napkin with notes scribbled on it. There was also a phone number written in lipstick but the notes caught my attention. It appears that somewhere in a total blackout, I had actually started to write down some thoughts. I was really onto something. Nothing to do with reports though.
Who reads those anyway? I’ll probably just hand the government a stack of papers with gibberish on them. Actually, that would prove that no one reads them and I’ll probably get an award or something for it.
