There’s always that one critic, half a pizza in his mouth, yelling at the screen, who has the audacity to criticize cheerleaders. The same man who gets winded bringing in the groceries suddenly becomes an expert on athleticism, choreography, and fitness. He points at the screen like he’s grading a final exam. “Not synchronized enough!” Bro, you haven’t seen your own toes since the Bush administration. Sit down.
And it doesn’t stop with cheerleaders. Critics are everywhere. Like ants at a picnic, they swarm around every industry with the same energy. Never satisfied, and not qualified.
Models & Actresses
Models? Too skinny. Too curvy. Too airbrushed. Too natural. Apparently, existing in a body is offensive if it isn’t Photoshopped exactly the way some critic wants it.
Actresses? If they gain five pounds, tabloids call it a “tragic downfall.” If they lose five pounds, it’s “concerning.” If they age naturally? Forget it. “She looks terrible.” The irony? The loudest voices usually come from people who consider Old Spice and a free T-shirt formal wear.
And the red carpet? Critics lose their minds there. If an actress shows too much skin, it’s “desperate.” If she covers up, it’s “boring.” Wear designer couture? “Out of touch.” Wear something simple from Target? “Cheap.” Meanwhile, the critics themselves show up to their cousin’s wedding in a wrinkled button-down and call it high fashion.
Music Critic
Then there are the music critics. A band tries something new? “They’ve lost their edge.” Stick to their old sound? “Boring, predictable.” Sing live? “Off key.” Lip sync? “Fraud.” It doesn’t matter what they do, critics will put the artists down in every way possible, while not being able to carry a tune when they sing along in their car.
And don’t even get critics started on live performances. If a singer dares to breathe differently into a microphone, they get “I don’t like when they don’t do the song the way they recorded it.” If they use backing tracks to keep the show tight, it’s “inauthentic, lazy, and cheating.” Critics want a flawless concert for $40, but also expect the artist to sing upside down, juggle fireworks, and play the guitar with their toes at the same time.
Then there’s the obsession with lyrics. If a song is simple and catchy, critics sneer, “It’s shallow.” If the lyrics are deep and poetic, they roll their eyes and mutter, “Trying too hard.” Critics want every three-minute track to be a Shakespearean sonnet layered over Beethoven’s Fifth, but still “fun for TikTok.” Good luck with that.
Everyday Life Critic
There’s a critic for everything, everywhere. Trolls online are the worst. They stay anonymous while typing their opinions on everyone else. These are the basement-dwelling critics who live behind vague usernames like xXTruthHurts420Xx. The moment someone posts a video, anything from a song cover to a cooking tutorial, the trolls crawl out of the woodwork to declare it “trash.” They mock people for putting themselves out there, all while hiding behind a profile picture of a cartoon frog. Funny how the loudest voices online are always the ones with the least courage to show their faces.
Food isn’t safe either. “Pumpkin spice is overrated.” “Avocado toast is why you’ll never own a house.” And I don’t know what bacon ever did to anyone, but it doesn’t deserve the backlash it gets from time to time just because someone wants to be different. Critics can’t just let people enjoy things. They have to tweet their negative opinions of everything as if anyone cares, which brings us to the irony of technology critics.
“Smartphones are destroying society!” posted from… a smartphone. “Social media is rotting our brains!” typed with shaking hands because the critic couldn’t resist doomscrolling until 3 a.m. If technology is so bad, maybe log off? But of course not. They’ve got a 12-part thread to post on why the world’s ending.
The Word on Politicians
Now, I’d love to end this with some clever jab at critics in general, but there’s one group that deserves every ounce of fire. Politicians deserve every ounce of criticism they get. I would’ve put them in the main roast, but let’s be real, they’re in a league of their own.
These are people who enter office with pocket change and somehow retire millionaires. People who spend their entire careers fighting to limit the rights of the citizens they claim to represent, while treating the world like their private VIP lounge. If critics waste energy nitpicking cheerleaders or musicians, maybe they should redirect that fury toward the folks writing laws and cashing checks.
Because unlike cheerleaders, models, or musicians, politicians actually think they own the world. And judging by the bank accounts they leave with, they try really hard to make it a reality.
For a perfect example of critics at their best, look at the trolls hating on Sydney Sweeney…Sydney Sweeney and the Weaponization of “Wrongthink”
For more stupid things, When Doing Wonderful Deeds Gets You in Dumb Trouble
