Once upon a time, in a land not so far away (probably your local Target), women were content with a little lotion and a loofah. But oh, how the times have changed. We are now living in the age of Booty Beauty—a glorious, cheek-sculpting era where your backside gets more spa days than your face ever dreamed.
If your behind isn’t exfoliated, toned, plumped, polished, misted, or massaged on a daily basis… girl, what are you even doing with your life?
Let’s take a moment to acknowledge the booty renaissance. It’s no longer just about having a nice butt—no, no, no—it’s about maintaining it like it’s a vintage car you only drive on Sundays.
We’re talking peach scrubs, butt masks, anti-chafing balms, and firming creams with names like “Cheeky Miracle” and “Glute Glow.” There are entire product lines now dedicated to your caboose. Megababe leads the way with products like Butt Stuff and Le Tush. Some women have more creams for their butt than they do for their face. And we’re just supposed to nod like that’s not wildly hilarious and slightly alarming.
The Booty Beauty Routine
Step 1: Dry Brush the Bum
Dry brushing. Yes. That stiff-bristled torture device that your ancestors used to scrape paint is now the first step to sexy cheeks. Apparently, brushing your butt helps circulation and makes it “look more alive.” I didn’t know butts could look dead, but now I’m terrified mine does.
Step 2: Exfoliate Like You’re Sanding a Door
Next up, scrubbing. Not your everyday Dove body wash. No. You need volcanic ash whipped with Himalayan salt in a jar that smells like pink grapefruit and ambition. The instructions are always like: “Massage firmly for 3–5 minutes while thinking loving thoughts toward your rear.” OK, sure.
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Step 3: Butt Mask Time
This is real. People are out here applying clay masks to their butts. You haven’t lived until you’ve sat in your bathroom, cheeks out, trying not to sit down while a cold sheet mask shaped like two peaches clings to your dignity. Bonus points if it tingles—it means it’s working (or you’re having an allergic reaction).
Step 4: Moisturize and Firm
Now comes the cream stage. This is where you slather on something that promises to “lift and smooth” your butt like it’s going on a Tinder date. Some even have caffeine in them, because apparently your butt is tired and needs a coffee. The sacrifices you make for booty beauty. Who knew?
Step 5: Mist Your Assets
And finally, booty mist. Yes, a fine spray for your posterior. For hydration. For shimmer. For the glory of the gods. I sprayed one once and nearly slipped on my own ambition. But my butt? Glorious.
The Price of Beauty (Is in the Butt)
Booty Beauty is not for the financially faint of heart. These products don’t come cheap. Some women are out here spending $45 on a single cream that basically smells like an orange ate a jalapeño. And don’t even get me started on the new trend: LED butt masks. We’re plugging in our posteriors, y’all. If aliens are watching, they’re definitely skipping Earth.
But the best part? Nobody really sees it. This is not makeup or lashes or even a haircut. This is beauty for you and you alone. You walk around knowing that if your pants fell off, your butt would be glowing like a sunset in Bali. And there’s something oddly empowering about that.
The Booty Beauty Roundup
Listen, if polishing your posterior brings you joy, live your truth. Slap on that butt serum. Schedule that Brazilian booty facial. Steam those cheeks like a fresh bao bun. It’s your life.
Just know that you are perfect exactly as you are—even if your rear hasn’t been moisturized since 2017. But if you ever feel the need to pamper your peaches, now you know—you’re not alone. There’s a whole army of women out here exfoliating their way to glory, one cheek at a time.
