Sometimes you know exactly how you’re supposed to feel. You know the mature, emotionally intelligent emotions that you should have. And then your actual feelings walk in and do a completely different thing.
You might nod and smile like everything is fine. You might even repeat little phrases to yourself like “this is okay” or “I’m not bothered.” But somewhere inside, your emotions are shaking their heads and refusing to cooperate.
This happens more often than we like to admit. And it is not because we are bad people. It is because feelings are messy and stubborn, and they don’t always play well with others.
You know the moments when this emotional mismatch shows up. You’re trying really hard not to show it. But your face isn’t backing up what you’re saying.
When We Are Jealous of a Friend’s Achievements
It happened in Insecure when Molly was promoted and Issa was trying to celebrate. But those emotions weren’t real, and it came through. It can happen with anything.
Your friend just got engaged, or found the best apartment, or was just given a free cruise. You clap and say congratulations, and you want to mean it. But something else is taking place in your head.
There is a weird knot in your stomach. It doesn’t feel good, and you know it shouldn’t be there. But there it is, twisting and turning and whispering something about how you’re falling behind.
Jealousy doesn’t make you a villain. It just means there is something you deeply want. If you can sit with that feeling for a second and figure out what it’s pointing to, you may learn something important about yourself.
When We Know We Shouldn’t Be Mad But We Are
There is a scene in The Big Bang Theory when Penny’s brother is coming to live with them, and Leonard is not a fan of the idea. He says he’s cool with it. But in walks Sheldon with a machine that can accurately read emotions. That’s the worst-case scenario. He can’t hide his anger because Sheldon keeps telling on him, and it leads to a fight.
There are so many moments in that show where Leonard and Sheldon had serious issues, and their relationship could have ended up entirely different. Sheldon had the most annoying way of telling on people while not picking up on the social clues. Sometimes, that’s part of the problem. Although it might not be as drastic as Sheldon’s case.
Maybe your partner left a dish in the sink after saying they wouldn’t. Or your friend canceled plans again for the third time this month. You know these are small things, and yet you are fuming.
You tell yourself to chill out. You remind yourself that people are human. But inside, you are imagining a very dramatic speech where you lay down the law and storm out of the room. You might even have that same imaginary conversation over and over until it keeps you up all night.
Being mad does not mean you are being irrational. It means something rubbed you the wrong way, and your emotions have not caught up with your values yet. That’s okay, just don’t let the anger unpack a suitcase and move in with you.
When We Know We Shouldn’t Judge Someone, But We Do
If you haven’t already, catch Fleabag on Amazon or Apple TV. When you see Phoebe Waller-Bridge’s side eye, you’ll immediately get what this one is about.
You meet someone and immediately think, nope. Maybe it’s their outfit or the way they talk. Maybe they chew too loudly or brag about something weird.
You know judging people is not the best look. You try to stop. But your brain keeps making little comments like a very unhelpful peanut gallery.
Instead of pretending those thoughts are not happening, just notice them. You can call yourself out gently and laugh a little. And then try being curious instead of critical.
When Someone Gets Something We Wanted
When Ryan Gosling is on stage performing and Emma Stone is sitting in the audience at the end of La La Land, her look says it all. Her face could not betray her feelings.
This one stings. You worked hard for something. You wanted it badly. And then someone else gets it.
You tell yourself to be happy for them. You try to smile and say, “Well deserved.” But behind your eyes, your hopes are packing their bags and stomping out the door.
It’s hard to see someone else living out your dream. But just because they got there first doesn’t mean you never will. Your story is still happening, even if someone else is having their moment right now.
When We Resent Someone We Love
If you’ve watched The Bear, you’ve seen Carmy and Richie go at it. That’s how they get along. But those emotions run deep and sometimes, go off the rails.
This one is tough. You love them. You care. But something they did still hurts.
Maybe they forgot something important. Maybe they let you down when you needed them most. Even if you understand why it happened, that little storm cloud is still hovering.
Loving someone doesn’t mean pretending everything is okay. It just means you are willing to work through the mess instead of pretending it’s not there. Talk about it if you can. If not, give yourself the space to process your emotions.
When We Are Annoyed by Someone Who Is Doing Nothing Wrong
Ron Swanson was like this with just about everyone in Parks and Recreation. April was probably the only one who didn’t annoy him.
Some people just get on your nerves. They talk too much. Or laugh too loud. Or they’re always too cheerful, and you’re not in the mood.
You know they’re not doing anything wrong. You know it’s probably a “you” thing. But that doesn’t stop you from wanting to walk out of the room when they walk into it.
This is your cue to check in with yourself. Maybe you’re stressed or tired. Or maybe you see something in them that reminds you of yourself. Either way, the annoyance is a signal, not a sentence.
When We Feel Obligated to Be Happy for Someone Who Hurt Us
Watching Succession, you know the relationship between Roman and Shiv. Was there any real love between them at all? Between anyone in the family? I can’t imagine a family acting like this without there having been some kind of bad blood to go with it. That’s sort of where I’m going with this one.
Someone from your past is thriving now. They look great. Their life seems amazing. And you are supposed to be happy for them.
The problem is they hurt you. Maybe they never apologized. Maybe they acted like nothing ever happened. And now you are expected to cheer them on, like everything’s fine.
You don’t have to clap for people who never made things right. You also don’t have to hang on to bitterness forever. But you’re allowed to take your time and be honest about what you feel. There is no rush to feel better before you are ready.
Putting Your Emotions In Check
It is completely normal to feel something different than what you think you’re supposed to feel. That is part of being human. We are not robots who respond to life with perfect emotional reactions every time.
The trick is not to hide those feelings and pretend they don’t exist. The real magic happens when we notice them, name them, and work on understanding them. Slowly, with patience, our emotions can catch up to our values.
You’re not a bad person because your first feeling is messy. What matters is what you do next. And that starts with honesty and a little kindness to yourself.
~~~
If you found yourself relating to anything I had to say here, then you already know the struggle I talk about in my latest book.
In the Walk is about wrestling with what you believe, even when your emotions try to pull you in other directions.
