Flying an Airbus A320 from Maryland to Florida is a quick two-hour trip that passengers mostly enjoy, especially when they’re going on vacation. But for Gus, it was another inspiration to find a health fad that this time might actually work.
He was in the aisle seat feeling like he was stuffed in a sardine can. One lady smacked him in the face with her purse as she made it up the aisle while the drinks cart busted him in the knee on its way down. The flight attendant didn’t realize what she was stuck on and kept ramming it to get it to go until he caught her attention and got her to back up so that he could move his leg out of her way.
He made the mistake of ordering a drink, which went through his system like a flood that had just busted through a dam. He quickly shuffled his way back to the bathroom and in there, had the time of his life trying to find enough room to empty his screaming bladder. Standing in front of the toilet, he kept hitting the walls with his arms. So, he turned sideways to unzip and then forward again to do his bidding.
Every move he made, he hit something. He banged his head when he tried to look down at his zipper. His arms were bouncing off of everything. Something stuck in his back, which turned out to be an ashtray, a relic of the past that had no business being where it was in the first place. There is a law against smoking on planes and keeping ashtrays in the bathrooms with “No Smoking” signs makes absolutely no sense.
But getting back out presented the biggest challenge because the door opened inward, meaning he had to find enough room in there to get out of the door’s way. The maneuvers he had to make were ingenious and could easily be turned into a video game for skinny people who love making fun of the pudgy thickums. That was it! That was all he needed to begin to get inspired and start thinking about losing weight.
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The next wave of motivation came in the form of Adele and Rebel Wilson. It was like they were on something amazing. What was their health fad secret?
The thought had occurred to Gus that Chris Pratt and Jonah Hill also made great inspirations for weight loss. But for some reason, it was Adele and Rebel who got him off the couch. He was finally done thinking about it. He was to the point where he was almost about ready to actually start doing something.
The internet has a plethora of information about losing weight but no magic potion. Yes, there are plenty of health fad promises from supplements to shakes but there is no wicked pill that simply dissolves fat while you sleep. Trust Gus on that. He tried several that came with a guarantee, empty promises that just take money from desperate people who took their time gaining weight for years and now want it gone in the next five seconds.
What Gus did find were diets and exercises, all the things he loathed to hear. That meant sacrifice and work. Worst health fad ever! Eating a salad was just plain torture! And walking? Like, did they mean every day?
But he finally gave in to the overwhelming amount of information from credible sources that kept saying over and over that a proper diet with exercise is the only true health fad that works. Salads. Fruit salads. Seafood salads. Salad salads. No pizza. No cookies. No chips. No SODA?
Has the world gone mad? How do people live like this?
When he picked himself up off the floor from throwing an all-out temper tantrum, he wiped the tears from his eyes and headed to the market. That’s where he got the biggest shock of his life. Going through the snack aisle and the frozen food section that had been his regular weekly stops where his plaque was hung proudly on the ice cream door, he found the salads in a part of the market he had never been before.
He looked at the prices with a very confused look on his face. He could buy three cheeseburgers from a fast food joint for less than the three-ounce bowl of rabbit food staring him in the face. He quickly started to calculate how much it would cost to buy a salad a day. Then, with his fingers, he deducted that from how much money he had and that’s when reality struck him. He couldn’t afford to lose weight.
What kind of scam is this? The whole world wants him to be skinny. The whole world is made for skinny people. One flight on an airplane makes that point abundantly clear.
Eight hotdogs and eight buns cost less than three dollars. One bowl of grass with a leaf of lettuce and a touch of carrot shavings costs enough to put a kid through college. That’s when he started to negotiate with himself. If he cut down on how many cheeseburgers he ate during a meal and exercised twice as much, that might get him to his weight goal.
“Psst,” Gus heard out of the corner of his ear. “Psst,” he heard again.
He turned to look and he saw the butcher gesturing to him. Gus looked around to make sure, then walked over to see what it was about. The butcher took his time to make sure Gus was properly motivated and made him promise to keep a secret.
With sweat dripping from his cheeks, Gus shook his head and that’s when the butcher informed him that there was an underground network of anonymous sellers and buyers who were in the live organ game. If Gus was in the market, the butcher could give him a nice wad of cash for one of his kidneys.
“How much,” Gus asked.
“Enough,” the butcher replied.
“Would I be able to afford a salad,” Gus asked.
“My friend, you’ll be able to buy a couple of them,” the butcher answered.
Gus thought for a moment and then agreed. The butcher wasted no time taking him back to the walk-in refrigerator and getting down to business. The process took about fifteen minutes and Gus walked out of the grocery store a half a pound lighter.
When the butcher pointed out to Gus that removing the kidney immediately took him down half a pound, he realized that he had done enough for the day. That was the fastest he had ever lost weight and there was no reason to push more. Plus, he had a huge wad of cash. It was a win-win situation.
Later that evening, as he sat in his recliner watching TV, he took a look at the incision on his side and smiled. That was one less thing for him to worry about. It was hard enough for him to keep all his organs working all day. Selling one for a good cause only made his body’s work that much easier.
Then, he reached over to his folding tray table and grabbed another cheeseburger from the pile. Inspiration was one thing but being smart was another. There was no way he was going to be able to eat salads for the rest of his life. He didn’t have enough kidneys.
