I’m Sorry: Smart TV Ain’t Made For No Stupid People

The guy puts his hand up and pauses the movie with a hand gesture. They speak to the television and it finds a show for them to watch. The TV suggests programs based on viewer history.

Ha! They’ll never get that right! With all the computer glitches in the world that we can’t fix, a Smart TV will cause minimal damage. Sure, I get that!

I mean, it’s not a speeding car driving down the road with the owner in the driver’s seat asleep behind the wheel like some realistic Night Rider. One electronic fart, and the car takes a turn into a lake.

It’s not an unmanned plane or a boat out at sea going around in circles. It’s certainly not a missile with a programmed target.

So yeah, the Smart TV, no matter how smart it is, can’t do a great deal of damage. But, I can see it getting all discombobulated up in my house!

I can see myself giving the television a hand gesture and it changes the channel. It gets stuck on a documentary of How Annoying Sounds are Made. So, I’m doing jumping jacks in my living room, flailing my arms all over the place, trying to get my TV to do anything. I’d be happy to see it change the volume at this point.

But, my television doesn’t respond until I collapse on the couch and put my feet up on the coffee table. I catch my breath. Then I walk up to it and hit the power button.

It’s so smart though, it turns itself back on just as I’m leaving the room. But, that’s nothing! I’ve had dumb televisions that could do that. Your only choice was to unplug them, and then wait until they flickered to their death.

Can you imagine me trying to talk to my television?

“No, I said UFC. Not OC. Not OC! Don’t record that. I don’t want you to record that! Delete it. Delete it! No, don’t delete everything. What are you doing? Stop deleting things! Stop deleting! Stop listening to things that I say! I need a beer…ooh, that’s a good show!”

To run the Smart TV the way they do in the television commercial, it would take some intensive training. I’d have to be put through Smart TV boot camp and then take the refresher course every month. Then, I would have to sit there heartbroken as a four year old walks up and turns the channel, finds yesterday’s episode of Sesame Street and then puts it at 9:17 where he left off earlier this morning before his nap.

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Michael Allen is the author of the newly released novel The Deeper Dark - When Haven Kayd returns home after being a POW for years, he returns to a world that has moved on without him. As he's playing catchup, the truth comes out about a scheme he was unknowingly the poster boy for and he learns about a hidden world that threatens everything he cares about. Available now at Amazon!

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The Deeper Dark

the deeper darkMichael Allen’s latest novel…

The Deeper Dark is the story of a fighter pilot who spends a few years in a POW camp. When he returns to civilization, he realizes how much has changed as life just seemed to move on without him. His wife remarried and his daughter learned how to grow up without her father around. When he finds out there’s more to the story the day his jet went down, he finds himself in the middle of unimaginable corruption. Trying to keep their secrets hidden, his invisible enemies threaten the one person he has left in this world. But they have no idea how far he’s willing to go to save her life.

Available in print and on Kindle: The Deeper Dark