Judge Saves Christmas, Santa Walks

On December 24, 2012 by Michael Allen

I really didn’t want to alarm anyone. I was keeping this news to myself until I got the 4-1-1 this morning. But, Santa was facing some pretty stiff fines and some possible jail time.

At first, I thought it was a hoax. I mean who would charge Santa? But, then I realized it was real and I’ve been tracking the story since its inception.

First of all, Santa had a flight pattern filing deadline that he missed. He petitioned the court to grant him an extension. But, his case was first heard in America where Federal Judge Hammerdaily told him that he needed to petition the court in all jurisdictions throughout the world where he would be flying.

If you can imagine, Santa’s look of surprise told the story as he said, “I’ve never had to do this before. Why now?”

Judge Hammerdaily explained that new laws in the U.N. have required that all flying entities have to file in all jurisdictions where they plan to fly, that the new U.N. law specifically makes a point to address all employees of Holiday Fairy LLC, which is the parent company of Christmas Inc. the company responsible for organizing Christmas every year. Judge Hammerdaily added that the Tooth Fairy was very aware of the new law and that Santa should have consulted him.

So, Santa had to consult his Elf Lawyer Team and thousands of elves were dispersed to file extensions for the filing deadline so that Santa would be able to fly the normal flight pattern he does every year. While elves were running all over the world filing for extensions, it came to the attention of the Automotive Section of the National Security Committee that Santa’s sled was indeed not up to code as outlined in Paragraph 20B Chapter 8 of the International Flying Registrar’s handbook.

Santa’s mechanic was forced to work for over 48 hours straight to fix every item on the checklist. Ordering parts was the most difficult challenge because some of them aren’t even made anymore. Good thing J.C. Whitney has everything in stock! Santa’s sleigh finally passed inspection and was given the green light.

Just when they thought the dust was going to settle, PETA had charges pressed against Santa for the unethical treatment of Reindeer. That’s what Santa was in court for this morning. It appears that in their bylaws, PETA requires that all working animals can work no longer than a 10 hour day.

Due to the extreme nature of the case, court was scheduled at a special time early this morning. Unfortunately, Santa was escorted into the courtroom in handcuffs. He was seated by two bailiffs. Representatives for PETA were smiling. But everyone else in the courtroom was deeply disturbed.

However, Santa quickly took the smiles off of the PETA Reps’ faces when his elves gave them lumps of coal. Everyone else in the courtroom were given candy canes which lightened the mood so that Santa could begin his arguments.

He stated that PETA’s bylaws simply weren’t possible for his line of work. It takes 24 hours for Santa to fly all over the world and he pointed out that it was actually more unethical to have to sit behind Reindeer who relieve themselves mid-flight. “Where do you think their waist goes, your honor,” Santa asked the court.

It received a laugh throughout the courtroom. But, PETA wasn’t laughing. It was at that time that Santa called Prancer to the stand. Prancer made sure the judge understood that he was in no way, shape or form being mistreated. But, he utilized his moment on the stand to start negotiations on better treatment.

“Your honor, we are not your normal Reindeer,” Prancer said. “We are trained from little up to be able to withstand extreme temperatures in one day. We go from very cold climates to tropical temperatures all in one evening. Plus, we fly thousands of times faster than jet propelled rockets. We should not be judged along side of other animals in this world. This is our job and we do it very well.”

Ironically, PETA was more astounded by the fact that Reindeer could talk. That ruined their strategy of standing up for defenseless animals without having to hear their side of it. As one kindly gentleman from across the courtroom so hysterically pointed out, “You didn’t know Reindeer could talk? Duh!”

After the laughter subsided, Prancer continued, “We only work one season out of the year, but I wish we could take the rest of the year off instead of doing shows that are scheduled before Halloween. I mean, Halloween? Can’t the kids have Halloween first, and then Thanksgiving, before we have to start becoming the focus of everyone’s attention?”

The judge considered Prancer’s argument. Santa offered to bring the other Reindeer to the stand. But, PETA lawyers stipulated they were willing to concede that all of the Reindeer will have the same testimony, if Santa is willing to agree that Christmas shows should not be scheduled until after Thanksgiving.

Santa had to compromise that his Reindeer would no longer take part in those activities. Anyone scheduling Christmas activities before Thanksgiving would have to find other Reindeer to act as Santa’s. PETA reluctantly agreed. Judge Hammerdaily made his ruling and quickly adjourned court so that he could spend the rest of Christmas Eve with his family.

Santa was released from custody early this morning after being processed out of the New York Department of Corrections. Santa took off at the scheduled time as Christmas has already begun in some parts of the world. You can track Santa’s progress here: Santa Tracker

This has been a Michael Allen Christmas Eve Special Edition! Merry Christmas to all!

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