I hate getting those phone calls from telemarketers. I know people need a job and they probably hate doing it too. It’s just I can’t help myself but loathe when I get a call from a telemarketer.

It takes me out of what I was doing, which is always more important than anything they have to say. I’d rather get waterboarded by terrorists than to take another call from a telemarketer.

I’d rather get a colonoscopy than to have to hear the voice of one more telemarketer…

I’d rather have nails driven through my eyeballs than to pick up the phone to hear a telemarketer on the other end…




When I hear a telemarketer on the other end, I go into beast mode. I can’t help myself. That includes customer service of a company I know when they are calling for their own stupid reason.

I’ve literally had a company I already do business with call me to ask me how everything was going. Then, they tried to upsell me more products and services. One time, a company screwed up and tried to sell me something they said they were already providing me.

Companies like that are in the telemarketing category too! They all get treated the same. Here are some of my greatest hits that have received some hearty laughs by the people who were around when I was dealing with these harassing calls.

I’ll Go Get Him

I’ll start small with the time I answered my phone at a friend’s house. It turned out to be a telemarketer who asked me my name three times.

“I’m calling for a Mr. Allen. Are you Mr. Allen?”
“What’s up?”
“I need to speak to a Mr. Allen. Are you Mr. Allen please?”
“What do you want?”
“I need to talk about that with Mr. Allen. Is he there?”

At that time, I’m feeling a little frustrated. So, that’s my time to have fun with it.

“Hold on. I’ll go get him.”

Then, I placed the phone on my lap and went back to the conversation with my friends. We laughed so loud, I know the telemarketer heard us. He stayed on the line for about twenty minutes. I give him credit. He held out longer than I would have.




Let Me Get My Wallet…

I received a phone call once from a charity that is a total scam. Hint: a fake charity will take on a similar name and try to look like a legitimate one. A simple Google search for reviews can help you investigate. The fake charity that called me was the Kids Wish Network. See how similar that is to the Make-A-Wish Foundation?

I give to the Make-A-Wish Foundation and that’s how they must have acquired my contact information. So, you can imagine how annoyed I was when the Kids Wish Network called me trying to get money out of me so that they can pay for their mansions and yachts while giving less than $.03 to the people they claim to be taking donations to support.

Me: “Yo, what’s up?”
Them: “My name is blah and I’m calling to see if you’d like to donate to the Kids Wish Network, we make dreams come true for terminally ill children who have one wish left.”

Now, that pissed me off. But, what can I do about a scam posing as a legitimate charity and all anyone does is write bad reviews that hardly anyone reads? I could at least give them the headache they deserve.

Me: “Yes, I would. I’d love to give. Do you have a website where I can make a donation?”
Them: “Actually, we do. But, I can take your information over the phone.”
Me: “That’s alright. Why go through that when I can just enter my information on your website and get it done? Just hold on. I’ll get my credit card information and I’ll be right back.”
Them: “Okay. Sure.”

Just for your information, I wasn’t doing anything I was saying. I didn’t pull the website up. I didn’t grab my wallet. I was just sitting on my couch. Also, I talk obnoxious sometimes when I’m talking to telemarketers. You just have to imagine. One day, I might record it if I can think in time to get the equipment going.

Me: “Okay, I’m back. I’ll just go ahead and start putting in my credit card information. Let me do my credit card number right now…8, that’s a 4, 0, 8…I have a lot of 8s in my credit card number. I just noticed that. Okay. So, 1 and 9. There you go. And now my security code. Okay. Okay. Okay. Done with that. And hit the submit button. Sending that money right to you.”
Them: “Okay. Great. Thank you.”
Me: “Wait a minute! Your site isn’t working. It didn’t take my information.”
Them: “Well, did you put in the right information?”
Me: “I think I did. Let me try that again. You know, because I’m trying to get you this money. You do so many great things for great people. I’m going to pay you. You’re getting paid today. Let me see here, that’s 5, 6, 2, 9…uh yeah, yeah, okay then, 3 and 7. That should be good. Security code? I don’t have one of those. I didn’t create one for my card. Oh wait. That’s the thing on the back. Give me a second. Okay. Let me see here. Uh, so I put that in there. Then, submit it to you and boom. Nope. No good. Your site is broken. I broke it.”
Them: “Sir, you can just give me your credit card information and I can make sure it goes through.”
Me: “Um are you sure? Because I wouldn’t want to put you through that kind of hassle. I mean, you have a perfectly good website. What kind of day would you have if millions of people had to give you their credit card numbers one by one. That would be a terrible day. I would think. I know it would be good for those dying kids who deserve their last wish to be granted. But, that would be rough for the person taking the phone call. An absolute nightmare. Wait a minute! That’s the wrong card. Can you believe that? I’ve been putting in the wrong card number. Of course, it didn’t work. I can’t believe I did that twice. Can you believe I did that twice? And you’ve been such a nice person just hanging on the phone all that time while I’ve been putting in the wrong information. Let me get my right credit card and get you all straight!”

I went on like that for a long time. My card information never worked and I talked her ear off like she was my best friend. I finally ended the misery when I lost interest.

Me: “Oh wait a minute. You’re the Kids Wish Network. You’re not the Make-A-Wish Foundation that is out there doing great things for kids. You guys are the scam artists taking money from people to pay for your mansions and your yachts. You deserve a nice throat punch. Lose my number.” CLICK.




Put It On My Bill…

A guy knocked on my door one day selling Verizon. It sounded like a great deal. It was a triple bundle for $69.99! Why not right?

It turned out to be a headache. They never honored the $69.99 even though I faxed them the signed sales copy several times. Every month I had to call them to try to get the bill fixed. The first time, the lady said the salesperson was wrong and they were working on fixing that issue so that sales people didn’t go out giving people false promises.

I told her that wasn’t my concern. I had a signed sales copy that setup the installation in the first place. So, they were going to have to honor that deal. She said she would fix it. But the next month, it still wasn’t fixed. A phone call every month for three months and nothing but the run around resulted in the final call.

Me: “Hey, come get your equipment. I’m done with Verizon.”
Them: “Is there anything I can help you with?”
Me: “Yeah, you can come get your equipment.”
Them: “I mean is there an issue we can discuss?”
Me: “I’ve already told you guys the problem several times and you always lie to me. So now, you can come get your equipment.”
Them: “What is the issue? I’m trying to help you.”
Me: “The issue is that you need to get your equipment out of my house. When is the earliest that you can get it?”
Them: “So, you’re not interested in trying to get the issue resolved with me? I might be able to help you. I have worked with people before and resolved their issues.”
Me: “That’s what everyone I’ve talked to has said. So when are you finally going to realize done means done. Come get your equipment.”
Them: “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way. The best I can do is schedule a pick up when the truck is in the area. That will cost $80.”
Me: “Wait a minute. You’re going to charge me $80 to come and get your equipment when you have a truck in my neighborhood?”
Them: “Uh yes. That’s our standard fee if you want us to pick it up. Of course, you can bring our equipment to us.”
Me: “No. You can come get it. Go ahead and schedule that pick up then and add that to my bill that I’m not going to be paying.”
Them: “What’s that?”
Me: “What?”
Them: “You said you’re not going to pay it?”
Me: “Uh no.”
Them: “Um, well what I can do is send you a box with a packaging slip. That costs $10. Can you pay $10?”
Me: “Um, go ahead and do that. Send me the box with the packaging slip. I can do that. Put that on my bill too that I won’t be paying.”
Them: “Wait a minute. You’re saying you’re not paying the bill?”
Me: “Um no. I’ve paid what our agreement was. But, those extra things on the bill? Yeah, I’m not paying for those things and I’m not paying for you to get your equipment.”
Them: “So, you’re saying you’re not paying the bill at all?”
Me: “Um no. So, send me that box and let me send you your equipment. Put that on my bill that I’m not paying. Have a nice day sir!”
Them: “But, wait a minute. I can’t…”
Me: “Sir! Sir! I said, have a nice day!”

They actually took 42 days to send that box to me. I filled it up and put the packaging slip on it. Then, gave it to the mailman the next day. That’s when I figured up storage of their equipment for 42 days and sent Verizon a bill.

They have not paid that bill to this day. So, they have no right to talk when it comes to paying bills. They don’t like to do it either.




Here’s Your Sign

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The NOVEL that sold a thousand cases of Jack!