But, I like to pick out some fun foods. It’s good to have a few snacks on hand when you’re hungry and you don’t want to get too involved. So, I looked around and I am dead serious when I tell you that I picked out Buffalo Chicken Strips and Orange Chicken. Then, no lie again when I say on my way to the checkout, I stopped by the soups and grabbed some Chicken Noodle.

What is that? I don’t know!

I think I would seriously be in heaven if I had some chicken flavoring to sprinkle on my chicken before I dipped it in my chicken sauce, then ate it with a side of chicken.

Author Michael Allen -

Contributor: Michael Allen
Published: Dec 19, 2011

Author Michael Allen -

There are only a few days left and everyone’s rushing to get that last minute shopping done.  The salespeople are ready.  They too are trying to get those last minute sales so they can have more eggnog this year.

Don’t fall for the same sales tactics you do every year.  Some of that stuff you don’t even need.  You just don’t know how to say when. Your credit card is bleeding. Your checkbook is crying, and your paycheck is just trying to get some rest. But, you won’t let it!

So when you’re at the mall, it’s vital you know how to survive. They have thousands of books on parenting.  But, no shopping survival guide!  Without that, you might as well just walk around with a load of cash in your hand, giving it away to anyone who speaks to you.  So, here’s my take that has worked for me over the years.

Harden Your Heart

It’s the most anti-Christmas thing you can say!  But, your heart has to be hard when it comes to shopping.  Get the death stare.  Practice it in the mirror.  It’s the look that is right between when your eyes glaze over at a boring meeting and when you get mad because someone ate your leftovers.

To get that look down pat, you have to desensitize yourself.  Purchase a cheap Teddy Bear or something similar from a discount store.  Take it to your car and stare at it for a second.  Then, pluck its eyes out and rip off its head.  When you stop crying, you’re ready for the war at the mall.

Avoid Eye Contact

Trust me!  These are highly trained assassins.  They know how to take down their prey.  The weak stand no chance.  So, don’t make eye contact with the salespeople standing in the middle of the mall or at the entrance of their store.  If they have something for free, it’s a trick.  It’s the bedazzle that gets you in the store where they can guilt you into buying everything they suggest.

If you make the huge mistake of looking in their eyes, be ready to deal with some huge heart string pulls.  It’s not right for them to say you don’t love your family enough if you don’t buy that useless piece of junk they’re pushing on you.  Your dog doesn’t even know it’s Christmas.  Don’t let them pull that one either.

Plus, you have to remember that you don’t have a mistress.  Answer that manipulative question wrong and you find yourself suddenly getting blackmailed.  The salesperson already has your credit card number, your phone number and the cell is dialing with your wife about ready to answer.  It’s a mental warzone.  You better eat your Wheaties!

No!

That’s right!  Learn how to say the word, “No.”  I’m at the point where I can say it before they even say anything.  I can say it before they even know I’m anywhere around.  But, you have to be forceful.  Then, reinforce the forceful.

They are not borderline harassers.  You have to remember that you came to play on their turf.  That’s their living room and you’re just all up in that!  So, they will keep coming at you even after you have told them, “No!”

“But sir!”

“No!”

“But, all I wanted to say was…”

“No!”

“What is the time?”

“No!”

“The time is No?”

“No!”

You get the picture!

Christmas is the time of year for everyone to be jolly.  But for you, those who still have shopping to do, it’s the time to polish those combat boots and strap them on tight. The mall is the battleground and the salesperson is the frenemy.  They are the enemy until they have exactly what you want!  Then, talk to them like you know them and see what deal you can get.

Author Michael Allen -

Cup of Coffee and a Good Book

The topic will mainly be about my latest book When You Miss Me.  But since I’m not normally a children’s book writer, the conversation should get pretty good as we talk about A Danger to Society and novels I have planned for the future.

Please, come and enjoy the show!  I’d love to have you there.

So if you’re over in California, tune in at 3:30. Over here in Florida, that will be 6:30.  Anywhere in between, adjust accordingly.

Author Michael Allen -

First of all, he’s zipping around in between cars and he doesn’t even have a helmet.  I don’t know about you, but I can’t put up with that.

Second of all, did I mention he’s zipping around between cars?  He almost hits one in the bumper! 

Then, there’s the time when he’s not even looking.  He’s just in la la land staring out into space.  I mean, does he want to have an accident?

Whoever supervised the making of this commercial has a little bit more to learn about responsibility.  That’s all I have to  say!

Author Michael Allen -

Contributor: Michael Allen
Published: Nov 04, 2011

Author Michael Allen -

Contributor: Michael Allen
Published: Nov 04, 2011

Author Michael Allen -

Contributor: Michael Allen
Published: Nov 04, 2011

Author Michael Allen -

“…we will never be the same!”

Author Michael Allen -

The memories that ran through my head this weekend were as vivid as when we were actually living them. The time she asked me to draw a smiley face, I actually decided to put a little more effort into the picture. I drew an oval, then perfect eyes, a nose and a mouth. Her eyes lit up with excitement, “It’s bootiful daddy!” Then, she grabbed the picture and ran to her room so she could scribble all over it.

When we made pancakes together in the mornings, she would stir the batter and then I started letting her flip. She grew into being more and more responsible. But, I stood over her like a hawk. She wanted to flip the pancakes every two seconds. I taught her how to look for the bubbles, and then flip the pancakes so that we only had to flip them once. If I didn’t make a game of it or give her some way of knowing, playing the guessing game would drive her crazy and our pancakes would have never finished.

Those pancakes were our thing. Now, she doesn’t even like them. She made cereal one morning and cinnamon toast the next. I can’t get her to eat pancakes, let alone make some with me. Our weekends used to be so much different. We watched movies together and took walks to the park. We played hide and seek all around the house.

Sometimes, it was hard for me to keep my composure. She would hide underneath her blanket on her bed. Then, she would giggle as I got closer to her. It was too much. And I would have to keep saying, “Are you under the bed? No. Where could you be? Are you in the dresser drawer? No. Are you under this book? No.” All the while, cute little giggles would waft from the blanket she was under. I left the room to laugh one time and doubled over even more as I heard her say, “Keep looking daddy, you were so close!”

I remember those special moments as the weekend would wind down. We were trying to fit everything we could into the last few hours we had together. We would take a walk and grab some lunch from the buffet down the street. I would get her some candy in the store next door. She ate it like it was her last supper. She wasn’t allowed to have candy at her mom’s.

The entire time we were together, especially in those last hours, all I wanted to do was hug her. It was like I missed her and she hadn’t even left yet. She was there in front of me, but my heart was breaking. It feels the same way now, but for an entirely different reason.

She blows through the door with her bags and straight to her room she goes. Within minutes, she has changed her clothes and back out the door she goes again. She has her friends in the neighborhood and when I need her to come home, I just text her phone. She watches videos on her computer and talks to everyone she knows. Getting her to sit down with me for a minute is like asking her to wash the dishes.

Getting a hug is like pulling teeth. All I get these days are the “I love yous” as she’s running out the door and the quick hugs at night as she’s going to bed. The one thing we did together this weekend was make her bed and with such a protest, I was about ready to just give up and make it myself. But, I still have to be the daddy. And even though she’s my little princess, she still has to be the kid.

Then, those dreaded hours start marching into the end of the weekend. Her mother is due any minute. Her bags are packed and her room is clean. She’s outside talking to her friends and I have that same feeling gnawing away at my insides. She’s still here. She hasn’t left yet. But, my heart is slowly breaking. Because I am lost, I am totally broken, the moment she leaves.

Author Michael Allen -